the dark room - part two
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"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1
After our last newsletter, "The Dark Room," I received a variety of responses. One that stood out was how many people told me I was strong. It's fascinating to me because, looking back on our journey through that dark room, I wouldn't have used the word "strong" to describe myself. In fact, strength is far from how I felt at the time.
July 2023 was an incredibly difficult month for us. We were down to just $20, our entire family had been sick for what felt like months, and more doors seemed to close than open. There were plenty of reasons to feel hopeless.
When Zack began to slip into a cloud of depression, I thought it would pass like it always had before. When he finally got out of bed and went to the prayer room in the back of the garage, I assumed he was on the mend. But I was wrong. I found Zack in the middle of a deep personal struggle. I won’t go into the details, but what happened next was guided by the Lord, and His love for Zack was evident in every moment. No one can convince me otherwise.
The next two days felt surreal. Although the enemy had been defeated in the garage, he wasn’t done yet. Zack walked around hollow, lifeless, and completely distant. I felt helpless, like my best friend was broken, and I was the only one holding on—but nothing I did seemed to help. So, I did the only thing I could think of: I called 988. Zack spoke with a representative and gave consent for a healthcare professional to come to our home. What we didn’t know at the time was that once they arrive, they won’t leave without you. Honestly, I was angry. I wanted them to help Zack discreetly, not treat him like a criminal and take him away. But we had no choice. Zack kissed us goodbye, climbed into the back of a vehicle partitioned like a prisoner transport, and as they drove away, I broke. Anger gave way to fear, and I wept.
What had just happened? A million questions swirled through my mind, but the biggest one was: Did I do the right thing? God, did I do the right thing?
In Matthew 7:24, Jesus says that when we build our lives on His words, we are like the man who built his house on the rock. When the storms of life come, that house will stand firm. I’m reminded of the song:
Christ is my firm foundation,
The rock on which I stand.
When everything around me is shaken,
I’ve never been more glad
That I put my faith in Jesus,
‘Cause He’s never let me down.
He’s faithful through generations,
So why would He fail now?
He won’t.
Song: Firm Foundation (He Won’t)
When Zack left, it felt like my insides were screaming. My usual coping mechanisms—avoiding big emotions through TV shows, scrolling social media, or indulging in sweets—were no longer an option. I was in the middle of a fast from all three of my usual "foundations," and I had nowhere to turn. With Zack gone, the strength I relied on was gone too. I felt completely stripped.
As I stood in our living room, looking at our children, hopelessness threatened to overwhelm me. But in that moment, Jesus was there. So close, in my broken-heartedness, He held me with a quiet, steady strength. It felt like He was holding out His arms, saying, When everything else is stripped away, I’ll still be here, waiting and wanting to hold you.
Christ is my firm foundation, the rock on which I stand. When everything around me is shaking, I’ve never been more grateful that I put my faith in Him. My soul rejoices as I write this! Thank you, Jesus!
I had built my life on foundations to hold me up—to comfort me when life was hard, to help me through the mundane. But in my dark room, I learned that Jesus is close to the brokenhearted, and that suffering isn’t the enemy. I learned that Christ is with me in the suffering. When I obey what He says and run to Him when life’s storms come, He is the solid rock beneath my feet. So, when people say I’m strong, the truth is, I’m actually very weak. How could I have gotten through that without the Lord? It is His strength that holds me up when I feel like I’m falling apart.
So, my question for you is: What foundation have you been building your life on? What do you rely on when the weight of life feels too heavy to bear? Do you turn to anything other than Jesus? In Matthew 7:26-27, we are warned that any foundation other than Jesus will give way, and our house will fall. My encouragement to you is this: Break up the old foundations. Ask God for forgiveness for building on faulty ground, and lean fully on Jesus! I’ve experienced His faithfulness firsthand, and I can testify: He is a trustworthy foundation. He is a present help in times of trouble (Psalm 46:1), and the Lord God is the eternal rock (Isaiah 26:4).
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