the dark room
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In January 2014, I attended the Passion Conference in Atlanta, where Christine Caine shared a powerful message about the "dark room." She explained how our culture, driven by the instant gratification of social media, clashes with God’s process of development. Unlike the quick upload of a photo, God’s work in us is much slower and more hidden, like the development of 35mm film. In this "dark room," over time, God strips away our pride, ego, need for validation, envy, and sin. Only then can we be ready for the good works He has prepared for us (Ephesians 2:10). That message stayed with me, and nine years later, it would take on a new, profound meaning.
Fast forward to 2023, and I found myself sitting in a literal "dark room"—the back of my garage in Stillwater, OK. My life felt like it had fallen apart. I had a failed church plant on my resume, strained relationships, and only $23 in my bank account. Debt collectors relentlessly pursued me, and I felt consumed by hopelessness. Depression had a firm grip on my soul. I spent nights crying on the bathroom floor, and mornings pounding my head against the wall. I felt lifeless and stuck. I couldn’t escape myself, couldn’t even eat or drink. Despair led me to contemplate the unthinkable. The voice of the Enemy whispered lies, convincing me that my wife and kids would be better off without me. “They’ll find someone better, smarter, more capable. This is the best thing for them.” I started to believe him.
On July 23, 2023, Naomi, deeply concerned for me, called for help. I had lost control, slipping deeper into suicidal thoughts than I ever imagined possible. Within an hour, two mental health professionals arrived at our home, and I was taken to Grand Lakes Mental Health Center, a mental wellness facility. I had hit rock bottom—fast and hard. My image as a composed, successful leader and preacher shattered. My identity as a confident Christian with all the answers crumbled. All the charisma, ambition, and accolades I had once relied on turned to ash. I was one of "those" people—the ones who couldn’t hold it together, the ones who needed help, the ones who seemed "crazy." My worst fear from childhood had come true: I was, indeed, crazy. My trip to the Grand Lakes confirmed it.
The 24 hours I spent at Grand Lakes were excruciating. My freedom was taken. My family was taken. I vividly remember being stripped of my clothes and belongings, dressed in a navy jumpsuit, and placed in a large room with 30 other patients, each struggling with their own mental health challenges. I was terrified, overwhelmed, and utterly alone. I won’t go into all the details, but I learned two important truths from that experience: I wasn’t crazy, and I needed to make healthier choices. My life and sanity depended on it.
Through it all, God saved my life. The depression I battled for over five years almost claimed me multiple times. I wrestled with the gap between my expectations, what God had promised, and the painful reality of living in between them. I felt stuck, disoriented, and lost. But the truth is, I wasn’t stuck—I just felt that way. My dad used to say, "Your feelings are real, but they’re not the truth." As frustrating as that advice seemed when I was younger, I now understand the wisdom in it. We may face gut-wrenching disappointments. We may lose sight of who we are. Our emotions can create a false identity, but we must not believe those lies. The feelings are real, but they’re not true.
The truth is:
• I am a child of the one true God, and His love for me is immense and immeasurable. He is incomparably good, and His goodness flows to me through the life of Jesus Christ. The same power that raised Christ from the dead resides in me, so I don’t need to fear anything except God Himself.
• God is not distant or neglectful; He is deeply concerned for me. He is working in me to prepare me for the good things He has planned. Nothing can separate me from His lavish love.
• I am significant in God’s eyes, not because of my achievements, but because of who He is. He doesn’t care about the number of friends, followers, or money I have. What matters is that He will never leave me or forsake me. He is always with me, regardless of how I feel.
• Jesus defeated death, which means I can receive and experience life. The Enemy is a liar and seeks to destroy me and my family. But even though weeping may endure for the night, joy will come in the morning.
It’s been 16 months since I spent a night in the mental health facility, and 16 months since my last battle with depression. That night, the light came on, and I realized something powerful: my life is my choice. I get to choose. Will I choose feelings, or will I choose faith? Though it was the lowest point of my life, I didn’t leave empty-handed. In some ways, it was a gift. God used that time to draw me closer to Him. He filled me with His Spirit, placed my feet on the solid rock of Christ, and restored my soul. The process was agonizing, but God has been faithful to shape me, heal me, and restore me. I now look back with gratitude for the lessons learned, and I know that the people of New Orleans will be blessed by what God developed in me in the "dark room."
Romans 5:1-4
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
P.S. Here’s a photo of the Grand Lake Mental Health Center, exactly one year after my visit. The whole building was torn down. What a sign from God—a reminder that the past is behind me, and new life will come from the ashes. I’m no longer stuck in what was. Instead, I’m looking ahead with hope. Moments like this remind me of God’s goodness and His power to make all things new. Nothing is too hard for Him.
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